Yes its true... I am still extremely fucked up.... Certain str8 boy said that I am destructive and seek to self destruct every relationship I hold dear, and fuck me he is so right... lets look at the facts (and my sordid history on this....) 1 - The first bf.... we will call him 'G'..... well this wasnt destructive.... it just kinda never really happened... we saw each other for a while, and then it fizzled out... I think this is probably the most normal relationship I have had! More importantly we remained friends! 2 - 'D'... well this guy I knew for years and had spoken to on one of the websites for a long time. Eventually we met and got on really well. Met on few more occasions, and went on holiday together. This is where it became clear that he didnt have feelings for me in the same way I had feelings for him. Whilst crushing we remained friends. At which point the feelings from my side were still very strong. I was trying to be the objective friend but could see a path of destruction on the route he was heading down, so did my usual analyst thing and ran the scenarios, at which point we had a major fall out and didnt speak to each other ever again. Yes I was slightly selfish as the scenario didnt contain the "happy ever after" but as this was an extremely unlikely outcome then I didnt feel it was worth mentioning. Unfortunately I was right and the path of destruction was followed, and he got hurt. But I lost a friend as a result, and someone I loved lots and cared about. I still care about him and have to stop myself at times emailing him just to check he is ok. In fact I was pretty upset a few weeks ago as he removed me as a friend on facebook, which left me feeling really low for a few days - think this meant that the friendship had pretty much ended. 3 - 'Str8 boy' - Well you know the story on this, he says that I delibrately kept him at arms length and messed him about as I wanted an out. That is not the case, I just felt like piggy in the middle, I was the "lover" for want of another word and it made me feel guilty and wrong. I loved him lots, and probably a lot more than I ever told him... I still do... but there is way too much water under the bridge, and yet out of everyone I know, he was probably the only person who ever understood me... and again we tried to remain friends but as he knew me far too well the knife kept getting stuck in, even when it wasnt intended which left me feeling upset, angry and pissed off. Yes I still wish things were different, but its not, I still feel pissed off and jealous when he tells me he's off shagging or on way back from a shag fest, as yes I liked him lots. 4 - 'B' Well this started out in the usual fashion, boy comes round to boys house, boys like each other, boys kiss a bit and all is well in the world. Except.... boy has boyfriend... well this is ok, and understood in the ecosystem that is the gay world... and the gay boys refer to this kind of relationship as "fun". This turned from fun into friendship, where we would share lots about our daily lives. And yes I did the thing I swore would never ever do again, and got attached. I liked the messages, I enjoyed the deep meaningful text conversations, and enjoyed the few occasions we met up, or talked on the phone. In essence I wanted more, but was kept at arms length (for obvious reasons). He loves his boyfriend lots, and that is evident, and I would never want to get in the way of that love. Although I could see some cracks in their relationship, and there is much more going on than meets the eye.  Decided though not my business, and I should not interfere, know where that gets me. The texts were really nice and showed that he also cared for me lots but then the actions of not meeting me, and sometimes the short messages I interpreted as me been again kept at arms length, or just someone to talk to while on own or at work. This could be me reading into things. Me being an utter control freak im not used to this kinda of relationship. My idea of a friend is go round there house, make yourself cup of tea (or grab beer from fridge) watch tv and chat then go home... I think these days its called "chilling?". I wanted to meet his other half to help me create some detachment, but wasnt allowed to. It was as if we were being kept apart for some reason... and I didnt know why. His other half seems really nice and if he is any kind of man the 'B' is then he will surely be a lovely guy. Well to the moral of the story... few text were exchanged, I was busy with work and a bit pissed off about how I was feeling with wanting more but not having that as an option. I didnt reply to two messages.... then got a "your pissed off at me" message, which I denied, even though a part of me was. After an exchange where I was open and honest about my feelings we decided (or he decided) we have a destructive friendship and cant be friends. I fully understand. Its not him that has the destructive friendship, its me... I am the harbinger of doom. Anything in my life that is worth anything I destroy, I feel almost cursed... Why do things like this happen in my life? Why cant I have the lovely boyfriend who loves me for who I am and doesnt mess me around? I want to go home and cry on my mum, as pretty much everyone I have around me I have either driven away or they are not close enough to me for me to be able to cry on... unfortunately she is away on holiday so I have to take solice in my blog. I left work at lunch time as I couldnt face it, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and trampled on, and to make matters worse 'B' wont even respond to me now. I have a splitting headache that drugs are not shifting and cant face continuing but know I have to as life does go on... but why at times is it so fucking shit.... and why does it seem to be so fucking shit for me, continually... time after time... what did I do wrong in my life to get dealt such a bad hand. Im off to go cry into some beer.... if it gets really bad I will break open the vintage moet and make use of the A1!