After last Thursdays post about the funeral... I was super upset that Mark sent me a text a few hours before the funeral to tell me he had not booked the day off, had not kept track of messages and now would not be coming to the funeral as he could not get the day off.
I was angry as I had made concessions to make sure he knew what was happening and that he was invited as one of the 100 people who Julia wanted to be at the funeral.
Had he let me know earlier I would have gone with Rich, as per previous entry I would really have liked Rich to be there not just for moral support but also because I loved Julia to bits and it would have been a gentle nod to pay respects and show her I had moved on from Mark and had someone who I think she would approve of.
Friday morning Rich had to leave the hotel early to get to work, and I had some work to get out of the door, but felt rough as had not slept much the previous night (me and Rich talked for many many hours - which was sweet). I gave Rich a kiss as he left and jumped on the laptop to get some work done. My boss (different Marc!) was having a dig about wanting a deck sending over, but I was not having any of it and was a bit snappy back at him as the ibuprofen and paracetamol had not kicked in... told him that if he wants to apply pressure he can do it himself and I will resign with immediate effect - clearly I was not in the best of moods.
I was angry and decided I needed to try and clear the air with Mark - messaged him and asked him if he wanted coffee or brunch so we could discuss. We did this a year earlier and it cleared the air, I did not think for a second he would agree to it, but he did.
I returned the hire car and headed into Birmingham meeting up with him at New Street. It was cordial, no arguments, he was genuinely sorry about not coming to the funeral and blamed that his work is still not great and policing is terrible etc etc... I feel for him that he is still in this situation but he his still pinning all his hopes on becoming a train driver and applying solely for that career but I keep having to remind myself he is not my problem anymore and not for me to guide and fix even though I want to (thats just a me thing!).
I did ask him for the first time in person why he left, he told me we were just friends and I had become right wing? Now I know I was getting more and more stressed running everything myself, and dealing with homeless people, foreign people who have no idea and dont care for the properties and yes this was getting to me... I probably was becoming a little right wing more post the killing I witnessed with the Pakistani gang in the road behind our house, but as I always said to him this was because of where we lived and the proof of that is now I have reverted back to "me" by moving out of the environment. I did ask him about why he went on a date with Chris when he was in IoM on the Police interview... I was at home panicking that he was ok after being told thanks but no thanks, and he was out on a "date" - he told me this was not a date and just friend who showed him round the island (Chris has a different version of events).

For the first time ever he mentioned that he wishes things would have been different - that we would have bought the house when we were planning to etc.. It was nice to hear that there is a genuine bit of regret there. I tried to remind him that he cant sit still and told him he needs to go out there and meet people and told him I had met someone and it was going really well - without divulging too much information! Part of me thought did I tell him this to make him jealous, but on reflection I think it was more to reaffirm there is no going back and I have pinned my hopes on someone new.
We left and had a cordial friendship hug goodbye, which felt like the final goodbye. Whilst I still care for the guy I have to forget about him and focus on Rich, watering and tendering the relationship with Rich so it can blossom.
That night in the hotel in Birmingham I was chatting via WhatsApp with Rich smiling to myself that I have gone from someone who I cared a hell of a lot for and who never really appreciated it, to someone who also cares for me, shows it and shows up...