Now this is where I have the "is it me" or "is it others" problem? To explain lets go back a 18 months ago, when I went to my friend Alan and Russ' party. Now im not very good at meeting new people and openly admit to shitting myself, and turning into a bit of a twat in order to be liked by others. Now I dont like when I do this, it gives people a snapshot of an arsehole and thats not what im really like. I kinda put on a front in order to impress, rather than just being myself. But if im honest I dont know how to be myself... Dan would say (this is Dan who's real name is Chris), that this is because I have spent too much time on my own and now that is the only company I can cope with, im not fully integrated into society and cant communicate with people. Well he is probably right, I cant communicate with people well not on a social level, although in a work context im pretty damn good at socialising. In fact in the work social scene I am pretty good. But in the none work scene, and even worse in the gay scene, I just cant do it. Some people I just kinda dont get on with. Like there is one guy, who I am not sure why he disliked me but we kinda just wound each other up, now I realise I dont like him very much because of the way he has treat some people, now he has never treated me like that, but I have seen him treat other in a bad way and as such I now dislike him and dont have the time of day for him. There is a philosophy where I always try and work on friendships so that I get one with as many people as possible, now this is hard work! but I have had much success, like my friend Sophie we were not friends in the begning but we worked at it, and now are really good friends. But some people, no matter how hard I try and work at the friendship the other person just doesnt want to know. And one thing I despise is people talking about me behind my back.. and this has happened recently... where some guy commented that I have issues when it comes to being in groups, and end up wanting to get my own way. I dont intend on getting my own way, but I will only do the things that I want to do, generally because life is too short, and there are some things I just dont want to do and dont intend doing... Tonight I was supposed to be going to my friends birthday... someone who is a great guy, who I havent seen in over a year. I intended to go, and even went and bought a new sleeping bag to crash at his place. But because there will be some people there I dont know and a few people there who I would rather not spend the evening with, I will instead sit in my house.... on my own.... and drink some cider that I bought to take with me to the party. So instead of going and possibly having fun, im going to sit in the house and be a hermit.. but in the same sense I know that I wont have any difficult moments with people, and I will not have to work hard in the conversational context - and in the process look like a prick.