Well yesterday i wrote an entry that was an attempt to be positive... I am an upbeat person on the whole... especially when im in kid mode... which is pretty often... well... ok when im happy... (or at a theme park!). Today I find myself on a tin can on wheels (or train!)... filled with lots of people I dont know.... it smells a bit... and im heading to Aberdeen which is 6 hours away... I could have flown up from Luton airport but because im a huge scardy cat when it comes to aircrafts I instead massively inconvenienced myself, my friends and my folks.... but hey at least I aint got to stress in a tin can for an hour with people I dont know where it smells... oh wait.... hmmm I dont know if ive ever mentioned to people about the feeling I got when I woke up on the tarmac after the motorbike accident (apparently doing my Eddie the Eagle stunt - according to my friends). It was a very strange feeling, my body was evidently in serious shock, hence I had lost conciousness, and my brain was trying to dump the last 5 minutes onto disk unsuccessfully - hence I cant actually remember how it happened - but it happened. For the first few seconds after waking up, it was so weird, so difficult to quantify the feeling (technically I know my body will have released lots of endorphins and other stuff to keep me out of pain), but it was a feeling of absolute clarity, in a crazy weird scenario... my arm was shattered and in pieces and yet the only thing that was going through my mind is... "am I dead?", "what would have happened if I had died?", "Did my life make an impact on the world?", "How crazy is this world we live in?", "life will go on without me".... it was then, lying on the tarmac, I realised that my life could achieve so much more. I want to make an impact on peoples lifes, I want to do things to help others, I dont want to be selfish like so many others in this world. Yet here I am, 18 months later, sat on a smelly train, heading to Aberdeen.... again having similar feelings, knowing that I didnt achieve anything from that moment of clarity. My body has been rebuilt, but my life is still empty. I want to achieve so much more, and not in my work life, thats sorted but in my personal life, the people I meet, the connections I make. The company I work for has a tagline "lifes for sharing" and its so damn true. I live by the moto at work, as its something we have rammed down our necks and have instilled in us. But yet personally I would love to share things with others, help people, do more, but alas I either cant be bothered, dont have the inclin, dont understand, or some other reason. I thought for a while that the thing that was missing from my life was a partner, well that piece of the jigsaw hasnt been filled and there isnt much on the horizon, but yet I dont think that would fulfil me. Yes it would b nice to share things with someone in my life, but im a lot to handle for just one person, not that im about to become a mourmon.... mmmm multiple partners.... now thats my kind of religeon. I have always believed my work life is sorted, but recent events in both my life and in some of my friends experiences have tought me that whilst im very good at my job and earn a decent amount of money, my job doesnt give me the feeling of helping other, inspiring people, being part of their lives. I think my collegue has recently discovered this in his life also, and im envious, he has given up a high paid job in communications and decided that councelling and helping others through difficult is more fulfilling. Well matey, I agree... The whole point of this entry is about what positive impact I have had on people and what I have brought to the table to enrich peoples lives.... hand on heart I dont think I have. Yes I have written papers about security concepts, have built huge telecoms systems, and developed new products, but have I helped one single individual in a selfless act? Probably but I cant think where.... and it doesnt stick in my memory. The emergency nurse who cared for me on the road, the ambulance crew who came to my aid, the doctors who repaired me, the nurses who looked after me. All people who do this day in day out, and I take my hat off to them, it is very heartwarming that people out there exist, are not financially motivated, put others first, and impact on peoples lives.... im not w=one of them.... so what is the point of what I do at work... I earn money... I make lots of money for my company.... but yet feel so unfullfilled. I did consider joining the police, but my uncle (and now a freind) has suggested that its not a wise career move. I have thought about volunteering, but after looking on the web can only find cats charities or working in shops for local charities.... somehow I dont feel this would enrich my life. Im pretty much open to suggestion here people.... please throw me a bone, cause im not sure where im going with this.... My friend said to me this morning, that he felt I was lost.... Iagree.... but I dont know where I am lost... what I am doing or what I want.... I know im goal orientated... but that doesnt give you fulfillment. I am pasionate about my work, but again this doesnt fulfill me... the only thing that makes me smile at the moment is my nephew who doesnt understand the world and is so pure and wonderful, and my very small group of friends who have the ability to make me laugh and cry, and somehow give me hope that things are not all that bad. I think it may have all gone wrong many years ago... the day I walked into Doncaster College and decided that I was going to do a-levels in computing, maths, general studies and economics..... my passion before then was biology... I was damn good at biology and wanted to be a doctor, but came to the conclusion that as I couldnt stand the sight of blood IT was better.... unfortunatley I cant go back and change that... I dont believe in regrets... but I have lots of them.... to retrain as a doctor now is not viable.... I have thought about moving into other parts of medcine, but worry im too far set down this path of self destruction into a sad lonely career in front of a PC. The excitement has gone... and I cant find it... there are glimours of hope, but these are somewhat short lived.... I want to be the guy who helps people, who enriches peoples lives, who is selfless, aspirational and loving.... I know they exist.... (although didnt until recently), so how do I change my life and whtat do I need to change in order to give something back and fullfil my existence?