Starbucks has become the common place for me to write these entries, mainly because of the free internet access, but also they are not too bad at coffee (I admit Nero is better but I aint going hunting!). There are a few things in my life I have tried to balance, one obvious one is my weight... after may years I of gym, eating healthy etc I have still not hit the magic 70kg. Although I now have a new tactic... to actually read material to explain why I am fat and how I can reduce my weight rather than simply following standard practice! The second is the work life balance, now this has never been right, and I have actually got to the point that it will never be right. I work too hard and dont play often enough, my life is out of wack. There is far too much emphasis on work and not enough emphasis on my world. My justification has always been that I need to push my career forward till I have strived to where I want to be. Although honestly I dont believe I will ever be where I want to be. People who know me would say the latest career move is ideal, jumping in salary for a much better job where I will have much more prospects and much closer to home. Well its not been as simple as that. Likewise personal life, a few months ago I was in a relationship, something I had been longing for. Unfortunately it did not turn out like that... it never does to be honest, is there really anything/one to blame? Or is this just one of them things? I constantly try and reassure myself that things will pick up and they will get better. Being honest im not sure they will, I have had many years trying and many years failing. I actually now am begining to hate myself. This happened before and thankfully I sought help to pull me out after guidence from friends. Maybe I need that again? I dont particularly like admitting something is wrong and I dont know how to fix it, unfortunately though I think I am at that point; these are worrying times. In life I personally believe that no-one is out there to destroy us, or gain from us, or use us, people are just people and get on with there lives. But this comes from my upbringing, that people will not do this to us, likewise I would not do it conciously to others. I am finding though that in the office and in life, people are very much like this. If we threaten their empire they set out to ensure we don't cause them problems by bringing us down a peg or two, or even worse setting out to physically destroy us. Something I have expereinced recently. Then there are people, so called friends, the same people that mess us about, leave us hanging on, and generally treat us like crap. I cant actually think of someone who I am close to who has not let me down. Then again I have on occasions let people down, but usually for real reasons, not just on a whim. I have been let down a lot, not just once but repeated times and repeated patterns - with different people... the only common factor is me... self analysis is not the answer as I cant answer the question, but maybe my attitude needs to change, I need to grow, and maybe get a hobby? I dont know? Here's a few examples: Mike - one of my best friends... (was)... we used to talk to each other all the time, about all sorts, these days we dont. I admit, I probably caused it due to radio silence after a few questions I did not want to answer. But this has gone on now for years... even though I have tried hard to build bridges. Im not sure how to fix this friendship - is the freindship worth saving? Policeman guy - We have a very difficult friendship. Monday I am supposed to be going to Thorpe Park with him, I doubt it will happen, in fact I know deep down it wont happen, but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt (even after being let down multiple times by him). At what point do you say actually... you know what... things are not worth it? But yet I cant do that with anyone, even though I would love to. And I certainly find it hard to do that with him, I do see a lot of myself in him - should I be admitting to that? My own belief structure of everyone being decent people and every friendship is worth saving is now begining to hold me back. Even Darrell I struggle to let go of, many years after falling out. There is still a part of me that wishes we could stay friends, but I know deep down we cant. And still to this day it upsets me, and I do dwell on it, and wish I could change it. Why do I need to hold on to friendships so vigourously? Maybe sitting on my own in Starbucks Manchester answers that question.....