Men are a mix and mash of emotion, endorphines and aggression. We have different aspects of ourselves that we allow different people to see. At work I sometimes (most times) come accross as a cunt. With my family I am the fountain of all knowledge. With my friends I am one of the lads. And then every so often someone sees my softer side (we all have one so no point denying it!). Boundaries exist to keep these different aspects of who we are seperate. We fear what people will make of us if we exist in more than one safe space at once. Sometimes though the boundaries that we create as safety mechanisms kinda fuck up and we end up in a new place, but this doesnt have to mean that this place is scary... its just uncertain. But it can be what we want it to be and what we choose to make it. At times I can be an aggressive character. I know this.. yes I like most have put my hand through plasterboard, bached a door, driven my car at 100 mile an hour in a 40 zone because im pissed off! These days I do try my best to control this, either through running at the gym, combat classes, talking things through. These are my coping mechanisms. There was a time recently where my coping mechanisms couldnt do it anymore, things got on top of me and after listening to advice from some of my closest friends decided that I should go get some proffesional help. Let me make one thing very clear, admitting that you need help is an extremely brave thing. I dont regret for one second going and asking someone for proffesional help. There was a problem, I was unable to deal with it and I went and asked someone to help me. It helped me overcome some of my deep seated issues and I feel a better more rounded person for it. There are times in everyones life when the coping mechanism or the protection mechanism either doesnt work, or situations where actually you dont need it. The two main mechanisms to protect me are: - Arrogance - Analysis When I meet a new guy on a date, I protect myself in the comfortable conversations that I can talk about till the cows come home... mainly work, and education. (Yes not the best conversations to have). It can and does make me come accross as a cock. But this is just a safety mechanism so that I dont end up sat there with a guy and nothing to say. Actually what I should do is let the guy do all the talking but its never that easy. I go out on dates with guys with the idea in the back of my head that it probably wont work and they will think im a cock and most of this time this is pretty accurate. But maybe this is because I have already set the scene and expect this to happen? Therefore it does? People love talking about themselves, its the single topic that drives everything. Why do you think straight boys have developed the ability to talk about shared sports... not because they adore football, but because they dont want to talk about themselves so instead talk about football. Gay boys are somewhat different, we are happy to talk about ourselves, but only the aspect and face that we want to portray at that given moment in time. In my case this is usually "look at how good I am at my job and how long it has taken me to get where I am". (As I said earlier the arrogant cunt approach to dating). The other protection (or destruction as I prefer to call it these days) mechanism is analysis. I have this uncanny ability to read into absolutely anything, even when there is nothing to read into. The analysis mechanism allows me to create barriers where they are required to ensure that I will not get hurt. This is usually evident in my approach to men in the first instance, if they have a boy friend then most of the time I will only get to know them as friends, there can be no emotional attachment therefore I hide it. Likewise if a guy is a secret closet gay and leading a normal life outside the relms of gaydar then again chances are I can only get myself hurt therefore dont do it. The analysis aspect can also destroy you. You can get to the point of loving someone so much that the analysis part overcompensates and puts you in a strange situation. One of my ex's I loved to bits and even though it wasnt working I convinced myself that we could still be friends and I wouldnt interfere. Unfortunately I was unable to stop analysing everything to the point I was trying to help sort out his life for him, which ultimately led to us not talking, unfortunately we still dont talk, but in reality its probably for the best. When things dont work out I have this passion to try and analyse to find out why, what were the reasons. Its as if my mind views the entire of life, society and relationships as one big experiment that can be setup, executed and analysed to find the results. Its never this easy, it just makes me more confused and dissapointed. There is a web system called recon and every so often you see glimpses of peoples reality. Yes they have the side that they portray of "I want sex and want to play" but then the odd one or two have thought provoking statements on their profiles that actually humanises these sex toys. There was one I saw today with a guy who says he was a member of recon, then left then came back.... which doesnt say much but tells me he has a love hate relationship with the system and is probably battling some deamons. Hey we have all been there. The amount of times I have thought "fuck it" and almost deleted my profile. I know that if I did decide to try and turn my back on who I am and decided to do the "normal" things that my mum would have me believe then I dont believe I would be happy, in fact I dont think any of my safety mechanisms could keep me from going insane. I admit at the moment im probably not the happiest pee in the pod, but life was never sold to me as a simple thing that will always fall into place. You have to fight for what you want and where you want to go in life. Although maybe I have done enough fighting now and just want to settle down, after all I am not getting any younger! But where is the knight in shining armour that the fairy tales told me about when I was a child? I need the safety mechanisms in my life, they protect me. They also inhibit me. But they have to be there. If they werent I would not be the person I am today, and would probably be shagging everything that moves and be manarexic, and probably deeply depressed. The analysis part of me keeps me working as its one of the solid things in my life that I can concentrate on and it removes my problems. The arrogance stops me getting attached. What more could a guy want? There is the odd occassion when someone breaks through the arrogance and analysis barriers. Whilst there is few in this world that have done that, im glad they did. They are the few that see me for who I am, and not the arrogant self centred twat I present. Im not a bad person, just confused.