Well yet again this has been a strange old time in my life... it seems things never really go the way I want them to, but alas this is the deck I have been dealt and you have to play the cards you have. As you may know I started to see a councillor at the begining of this year to help me get over some of the more complex issues in my life such as the guy I pretty much fell in love with who unfortunately did not fall in love with me. Then there was the motorbike accident which damaged my confidence and to be honest I thought at the time had pretty much ended my youth as I thought I would never be able to be normal again. And with the move south and coming out of the closet you could say its been a pretty damn hard year. Well luckily I took my friends advice back in January and got myself a councillor.... yes it was expensive, but worth every damn penny. I have just ended my sessions with the councillor lady and I feel a renewed sense of optimism that I can continue my life and try and be happier. I now am able to spend time with myself, and endure my own company. I have discovered I am a twat, and am trying hard to not be this twat... but that means having the sanity checks with one's self to ensure you are not registering on the self centred cunt scale. I know I long for purpose and attention, but knowing this makes me understand myself better, and lets me put my thoughts in order. There has been an unexpected development this year as well... that came in the form of a really nice guy who started life as a bit of fun but turned into a very good friend and someone who I can turn to at times. Unfortunately he isnt partner material due to his circumstances but that doesnt matter as he is deeply grounded and has the ability to understand me better than I do (and to some degree better than the councillor did). I think the main reason for this (and these are his words not mine) is that he is like me but further down the path and with slightly different choices. I take great comfort in what he says and his outlook.. whilst I wouldnt want his life he is full of insight and knowledge that gives me hope that there are really some nice people out there who arnt complete arse holes or after one thing. The unfortunate thing is that whilst I like him lots I know I cant have him and whilst it lasted it was great but now my life has to continue as does his, and we can remain friends and I will do whatever I can to ensure that happens but he has his path and I have mine, and mine does involve removing some of the baggage of my life such as my house in the north of the UK, this will have an impact in that the place where I feel safest will no longer be available to me as it will be rented out. But this will release much needed cash and close a chapter in my life which will hopefully allow me to build a new life in the south of the UK and find new friends, as I wont be able to hide in my house up north at weekends, I will have to get out there and meet new people - and that will firmly be the aim! This closing of a chapter has also seen me become more confident, im no longer scared to admit to people I am gay and almost openly acknowledge the fact at work. Even in some instances telling some staff... I dont feel ashamed anymore, I just want to be happy. I know my collegues at work will be understanding and accepting as they are nice people deep down and I dont think they would ever intentionally hurt anyone.. although one or two sometimes do forget to engage brain before speaking! I think in becoming more confident this has given me a new paltaue at work and a renewed sense of self belief, but without the baggage that sometimes accompanies this. Yes I do still question most things that I do, but I also have the confidence to believe in myself which for a while was something I was missing. Whilst I am on this notion of closing chapters lets look to the brave new world..... I am part of a great organisation embarking on a new outlook in our industry, Im about to let go of my ties up north and make my life down south, I have met a great new friend up north who I hope will be one of my friends for life, I have a great new nephew who I am immensely proud of and a new brother in law who I love to bits (dont tell him that, he will get big headed), My two sisters are turning into my rocks, I can depend on them and them me.... this is what the world is all about is it not? Creating your support structures? Most importantly I have moved on from my baggage I had in the past... the pre-councillor blues... the guy who broke my heart I still think of from time to time, but time has been a great healer and talking about my feelings rather than bottling them has helped.... Feelings.... yes very important topic... I had a breakthrough just over a week ago.... now dont laugh as this aint exactly a laughing matter.... I watched the funeral of Stephen Gately on Sky News and for about two hours I let myself cry.... I cant explain why as there was not really a reason, I did not know the guy... but I think it was the fact that he wasnt very old, had a lot to live for and had almost everything he wanted in his life and he unfortunately died. The thing I found infuriating though was a certain newspaper columnist who that desecrated this shining stars memory by eluding to his sexuality as being the cause of his death and that all gay people who live these inceduace lives will come to the same ill gotten fate in their sham civil partnerships... yes I was annoyed... and cried lots for a guy who meant a lot to me because he was a beacon of what my life could be like, and that gay people can be happy. My councillor was very pleased that I gave myself the oppertunity to connect with my feelings as usually I would have the stiff upper lip and not acknoledge his death.... I went a step further than just cry and wrote a long complaint letter to the press complaints commission about the conduct of the columnist.... a true moment in my life when I discovered I do have a voice when things enrage me enough to stand up for what I believe... not that im going to turn into a gay rights activist or anything, just that I cannot stand by and watch biggotted people spread innacuracies. In other news I did see today in Liverpool a young 22 year old trainee police officer was severly beaten up by youths as he left a gay bar.... is this the kind of society the columnist is trying to create... hatred of gay people? (On that note I can get off my soap box.....)