The year started with so much promise: - Prospects of jumping away from evil Accenture to a new company, potentially Intel but maybe Airwave - I was content living with housemate Scott - it was nice to come home to someone and be able to talk, we were even talking of buying a house! - Was in a relationship with Chris... albeit things were not so rosy but were recoverable - Reconciliation was the word of the day having thrown myself at Gavin Brewer and re-kindled our friendship So how did it all pan out.... well... On the job forefront Airwave won over at the last hurdle, I actually wanted to work for Airwave as they may be a small company but the thing I loved about them is they are so backwards! I could see so much potential in them, they had the power to do really great things, with people who I massively respect.... The unfortunate thing was that whilst Airwave have a great business, lots of potential with amazingly intelligent staff, they also had lots of not so amazing staff, senior staff who were incompetant and politics was the major word in the business with people "point scoring" in order to jolster to be the next best friend of the CTO. For me I dont do politics, I have done it in the past, and am still a member of the labour party but I cant go lick butt just because it will further my career. I was harsh and told them the truth that they were incompetant and needed to work harder in order to win over the competition. Some took an instant dislike to me - well in all fairness *most*, but that didnt stop me. I wanted to make Airwave a force to be reakoned with both in the police sector and energy communications. Unfortunately it was difficult to get buy in from others. The thing I found most infuriating was the people who "pretended" to be your friend whilst doing there up most to stab you in the back at every oppertunity. I could see the writting on the wall for Airwave, and whilst I think it is still a good viable business they need to make lots of change in order to succeed into the future. I jumped while I had the chance over the wall to Vodafone.... Now there is a different one... I did swear on many occasions I would never work for big red... but here I am. There is politics as there is with every business.... but the politics is not at the levels of Airwave... or they may be but I just dont see it... I go to work.. I do my job.... I get paid well for it.... As much as I love the people I work with at Vodafone like John C, Vikram et al... It is and probably will just be a job... not like Airwave where I actually had the passion to do something different and shape the future. Time will tell! In all fairness they do just leave me alone and let me get on with my own thing which I must admit I do enjoy, it does allow my mind to wonder off about how they could improve efficiencies... maybe one day I will tell them... Vodafone is still early days... we will see! It has promise, but will only be a job not a passion. Scott.... well things I thought were ok... but then Scotts gran got ill... this lead to Scott getting home sick and spending more time in south yorkshire. He was very lucky as he found love up there with Gaz, who even though I have only ever met him the once seems a lovely guy (and he works for Harribo so thats major plus points in my book!). About 6 months into the year Scott decided that he wanted to move back to south yorkshire. I couldnt blame him, I dont think he was very happy where he was and Gaz was in Yorkshire. I do massively miss Scott. I really wish I could have tried harder and become good friends with him... although I admit I am not the best person to be friends with.. I am hard work after all! I hope to get back north and catch up with him sometime in the future. In a weird way I do love him, and would have happily stayed with him. Not sure about whether we could have ever been an item... he's sometimes too quiet and insular but then again so am I. Yes I can say it... I do love Scott and would happily cuddle him, but dont think I was really his type... but I hope him and Gaz work out, they do make a lovely couple and Scott certainly loves Gaz to bits, that is pretty evident from facebook! I ended up moving into big yellow storage temporarily followed by a one bedroom squalid flat... that costs £1000 a month. Its not ideal, its not nice, in the first week I moved in someone was murdered outside but hey it could have been worse (ok not sure how but it makes me feel better saying that!). I have already decided I dont want to stay living there, but it is ideal for where I work, in between Paddington office, an hour from Newbury office and 20 mins from Heathrow (my job is now international I am told... but have only left the country twice with work!). Then there is Chris, now I dont think I have written that much about Chris, well not in actual name. Chris is a lovely guy, but him and Scott did not get on. Mainly cause Chris would just lay about and not do much. Especially on Sunday mornings when we were cleaning the house. This massively used to piss Scott off.... And for me, whilst I liked the fact Chris was intelligent, attractive, kinky and a general nice guy he had his foibles. Im a pretty affectionate kind of a guy and want to snuggle on sofa, and have a hug now and then... Chris isnt like this, any display of public affection would result in automatic push back. Then there was the "Fetishbound Crowd" these were the people that Chris called his friends, now maybe I was a bit quick to judge as I had been to Fetishbound in the past and admit it was not my cup of tea, mainly because there was much older guys there and the atmosphere was very clicky.... which I am never keen on espeically when I was not part of the clique! Chris was part of their leather family this means that he was in to being owned by someone, and was going to be owned by a guy before I came along. I remember the thought process going through my head as I was heading over to visit a friend in Greenford, the thought process basically went "he's a lovely guy, but can I cope with all the crap associated with this... it seems like hard work".... the thing that cause the downfall of the relationship cannot be easily quantified. If I am honest it was a number of factors that maybe could have been resolved but the fact was that I had just had enough. Life lesson that needs to come out of this is that I should be less judgemental, more foregiving and try harder rather than just give up! Even today, a good 6 months on, I miss Chris. I miss him because he is intelligent, he is a nice guy to be around, and he is good company. Long term I do not think it would have worked as he was not mature enough and needed to grow and develop a little. But I did end up losing a good friend as well as someone I loved. We live and learn... now yet again I am single. There is always a Gav section.. pretty much every year... in fact its getting old. New years day last year, I discovered earlier in the day that Gav was going to be at the recon event later that night. I was certainly not sure about this... we had hardly spoken in ages and there was still lots of emotion from my side that was not ready to seep out. So I did a pretty stupid thing in hindsight... I decided that I would get really drunk and then be able to ignore him at the event. This kinda didnt work out the way I intended.... In the fact that the vodka went down really well, in fact so well that when I left Barcode with Pete I was hammered! I only vaguely remember bits from the night, yes a year on I still only remember bits! The basics I pretty much got.... Got to recon event, had more vodka, and more, saw Gav, tried hard to ignore him, was torn between going and punching him and going and hugging him. Thankfully I did neither, instead I just walked over to him and said that we cannot keep ignoring each other and that I missed him. We then spent the rest of the evening together. As I said lots of the night were very vague but I do recall a talk outside the club on sofa's where he told me things were not going well with his partner and they were splitting, I kinda knew this already. One thing I do remember from that night - mainly because it was that vital that I wrote it in note on my iPhone, he did tell me he loved me, face to face. That meant a lot. Wel enough that I wrote it into the phone! I was pretty hammered so cant remember all the details but we did kiss, I did feel bad as I was in relationship with Chris at the time. But was only a kiss not as if we were shagging each other. Although I do recall him pushing me into a sling then giggling at me... I was so drunk and loved him so much I probably would have let him do anything - well lets face it I have in the past so nothing new there then! The next day I felt aweful, mainly becuase I had hangover from hell and wasnt sure that I hadnt been fucked senseless while I was in a completely out of it state! Thankfully logic dictated that my ass didnt hurt therefore nothing too serious could have happened! Me and Gav continued to text for a few months then it all went to pot around the time I was doing the Great Manchester Run as we had arranged to meet just afterwards and I had taken day off work. He cancelled last minute on me, which was normal for him. Maybe my actions of taking his invite for food as a good idea to drive over were probably wrong. I admit I probably acted pretty inapproporiately considering, but love it one of those weird things that makes you crazy. I havent spoken to Gav in a long while, I saw him last night at the recon event, almost a year on from the great recon night. The night was shit because I refused to make same mistakes as last year, I stayed sober, took the car, did see him but didnt throw myself at his feet. Instead I just stayed with my friends, didnt have any fun with anyone and eventually left at 2:30 3 hours 30 mins after I entered the venue. It did not matter, I wasnt there to throw myself at Gav, the purpose of the exercise was to show that I am not afraid of Gav and not afraid of going to venues and running into him. I succeeded. Whilst I dont feel good about it, it is part of the healing process. I still love Gav, I always will love Gav, but me and him are incompatiable. Whilst I wish we were compatiable we are too similar, he is the duplicate of me and me him. Like magnatism two of the same repell rather than attract. Shame but true. My only regrett is that we could not have been friends. I need friends and so does he, but alas he does not want me as his friend. The important thing is I dont harbour a grudge, the door is always open for him when and if he wants to be friends. I will always be there for him as I will always be there for all my friends. Whilst I am shit at showing it my friends are important to me and I would always try and do my best for them, as I am sure they would for me. Well that was 2012 in a nutshell.... lets see what 2013 has to offer, and what plans I can make in order to try and save myself... maybe thats a blog post for the new year?